Okay, so, I really need to change something. I either need to change my voice, or I need to change how I think about my voice and learn to accept it as my own.
I recorded my solo today, and I ended up taking a break in the middle of the session so that I could cry. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go–it’s my last recording session, ever, with my much-loved a cappella group. It’s the last time I’ll be together with my a cappella group before I graduate. It’s my only solo. I should be having a blast; I should be cherishing my last moments with my group. Instead, I’m practically having a breakdown because I can’t handle the way my voice sounds.
It’s just so frustrating. I sound like a twelve-year-old girl, and I can’t deal with that. Or rather, I need to deal with that. Something needs to change: I’m just not certain what it’ll be. Someday, maybe I’ll need to figure out what to do–right now, I’m just sort of getting by.
There seem to be two paths to being okay with my voice: like I said, either my voice needs to change, or my mindset needs to change. Perhaps, someday, I will go on testosterone, which would most likely make my voice deeper. However, aside from the numerous other non-voice-related effects, I wouldn’t be able to influence how it would change my voice. Additionally, it could actually make my singing voice sound worse, and the effects of testosterone on the voice are irreversible. Regardless, taking hormones isn’t a choice to make just to deepen my voice, if I could even manage to get a doctor to give them to me.
On the other hand, maybe I’ll end up making peace with my voice. Maybe I’ll simply accept that I have a high, feminine singing voice and learn to be okay with that. Maybe I’ll become secure in my gender and presentation, enough so that I won’t care I sound “like a girl.” Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Intellectually, I know that the sound of my voice shouldn’t affect how I view myself or my gender. And yet, it still make me uncomfortable. When that combined with all of the other stress in my life, it just become overwhelming. Sometimes, it feels like the worst part is that I love to sing because now when I sing, there’s always this element of discomfort, resentment, something because how I sound just doesn’t match how I think I should.