Okay, so, I really need to change something. I either need to change my voice, or I need to change how I think about my voice and learn to accept it as my own.
I recorded my solo today, and I ended up taking a break in the middle of the session so that I could cry. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go–it’s my last recording session, ever, with my much-loved a cappella group. It’s the last time I’ll be together with my a cappella group before I graduate. It’s my only solo. I should be having a blast; I should be cherishing my last moments with my group. Instead, I’m practically having a breakdown because I can’t handle the way my voice sounds. Continue reading
I presented my thesis today at a gathering that the Gender Studies program put on. In the short biography I wrote to precede my presentation, I specifically switched between “ze” and “they” as my pronouns. Everything in my bio was about gender, including the title of my thesis and that I founded the trans support group at my college. Nevertheless, the woman who planned the event still managed to introduce me using feminine pronouns, even as she read my bio. She was reading from the paper in front of her–a paper on which I was referred to with gender-neutral pronouns–and she still called me “she” and referred to my thesis as “her thesis.” Continue reading
I sing with an a cappella group, which I love. It’s one of my favorite parts of my life at college. Today, we went to the recording studio to begin recording my senior solo. Recording is usually a lot of fun, but today it was really stressful.
To start with, I’m not a really confident singer, and my sense of rhythm is surprising lacking for a singer. So, I’m recording the scratch track (the track the others listen to as they record, so that we can all be together), and it fails. I’m continually off the proper rhythm. It doesn’t help that they keep using feminine pronouns for me, which only magnifies the discomfort I’m feeling regarding my voice and gets me feeling even more frustrated. It’s not really their fault; I haven’t been correcting them about my pronouns lately because I don’t want to distract them, since we’ve been short on time, between our concert two weeks ago and recording now. And I haven’t actually asked the guy we record with to use gender-neutral pronouns for me, so it’s really not his fault. Continue reading
Although I self-identify as trans, people very rarely read me as anything other than a woman. I suppose I can’t really blame them: I’m barely over five feet tall; I have child-sized hands; my shoe size is that of the average 8-12-year-old (according to Converse.com); and I’ve never had what anyone would call a boyish figure. I look distinctly female, no matter how much I’d like to pretend otherwise.
I keep my hair styled short and spiky, and I dress almost exclusively in clothing bought in guys’ section and specifically chosen to disguise anything that marks me as female. Yet, I still get called “she” and “lady” and “girl.”
It drives me crazy. I hate that I’m only seen as a woman. Continue reading